I started a new entry 4 days ago or so. It is something I intend to finish and post here, but the subject is pretty intense. There are many directions my message could go in but I definitely am struggling on how to keep the whole thing focused. The working title on this particular article is “Belligerent Opposition and Scatter Shot Angst”. After getting some really great ideas down and flowing pretty well I put it aside for two days with every intent on digging right back in. But I knew it was going to be a project.
So yesterday I determined to write something else, maybe a bit lighter in tone…maybe not. I just wanted to get something down and be sure I was staying on task with my blog resurgence. This has happened in the past 2 or 3 times where I got a pretty heady and philosophical entry going and I linger on it and essentially don’t get anything posted for weeks, months, even a year. I don’t want to say that I’m now going to have “filler entries” between the significant stuff, I am just adamant that I won’t allow overly ambitious ideas and desires for an essay torpedo simply writing stuff and speaking my mind.
I’ve kept myself pretty sharp I think by continuing to post consistently on Facebook about events, stories, and news that I think actually matters. I’ve also noticed how a good number of websites are now using this Disqus commenting apparatus and I speak my mind on there quite a bit. Although comment boards are a quick place to lose your faith in humanity, you can find a handful of people willing to have reasoned debate and discussion. I wouldn’t say I’m trying to convince anybody in these forums but the back and forth helps me see perspectives on issues that I might be missing. I look at these activities as sharpening my intellectual knife so that when I come around to sharing with the people who are nice enough to parooze my blog or engage me in conversation I can be sure that I’m presenting my best thoughts, or at least thoughts that are well informed.
So basically this is turning into a confessional of how much I over think this process. And lately I’ve just been writing about writing. But those who love to share their ideas I think can relate and connect with the struggle. I am without question living up inside of my own head, seeing and thinking too much at times without specific action. But who isn’t living in their head? That’s totally a cliche.
I’ve had a very strange and incredible last few years of existing and I’ve met at wide range of people. One of the settings involved me being with people for 2 months who were basically encouraged, poked, and prodded to open up even if they didn’t like it or want to. People of every stripe, color, and walk of life. Doctors, fishermen, musicians, lawyers, police officers, you name it. Conclusion: we do not talk enough to each other in regular life, particularly about inner strife. People you would never expect are actually very deep and insightful. Very accomplished and highly educated people are still self conscious, still trying to prove themselves, and being highly skilled and successful doesn’t mean you don’t have very intense human struggles. I don’t believe that should seem new to anybody, but I hadn’t experienced it on quite as intimate a level as I was able to during this period. And what does that say about me, well because I open my mouth and talk more then other people doesn’t mean I’m more intelligent or insightful. In fact, in some ways it’s exactly the opposite.
I believe it is very human to want to believe in yourself, it’s part of what drives survival. We want to be good at something and over confidence at times is the very thing we need to push us forward. But that innate desire to feel that I am special somehow can turn into a very selfish and narrow perception of other human beings. And so as I write I constantly am at odds with myself, wanting to impress or say something profound and believe that I’ve achieved something of value while the little critic inside me antagonizes with thoughts like: “you think you’re the only person who thinks about these things, get real dude.” So I guess this is me getting real to an extent. Openly admitting I have deep thoughts and they are worth reading and sharing….but so do plenty of other people.
This is metablogging.
Last movie seen: Life of Pi (a solid 8.5/10)
Music while writing this: My starred playlist on Spotify (check it out, it’s good)
Starred
New album suggestion: Earl Sweatshirt ‘Doris’
Looking forward to: Camp out near Mt St Helens, Bumbershoot Festival
Advice: If you stopped watching Dexter around season 4 or 5, you haven’t missed much and probably could go the rest of your life without ever needing to finish it.
New concept: Hate-watching TV shows. Girls on HBO is a great example of what I hate watch. I can’t say the writing or acting is bad, but there are things I very much dislike about what I am viewing when watching it
Recent epiphany: that I have a lot of epiphanies due to the fact that I underestimate people…crap, am I an elitist? am I just a jerk? I’m learning!
Which leads to a quote:
“My imagination makes me human and makes me a fool; it gives me all the world and exiles me from it.”
― Ursula K. Le Guin
Speak your mind in the comments
The VO Review (of life and... whatever) 
Looking forward to the campout, too. 🙂 Great to read your blogging again. I agree with you on Dexter – I haven’t been really satisfied after watching an episode since the season 6 finale.
In response to the underestimating people thing: I find that I underestimate people when I’m trying to protect myself from feeling rejected, etc. If someone else is “too stupid to care about their opinion,” then why would I care if they don’t like me or if they think I’m dumb? In reality, I’ve found that very few people are real jerks (and I really don’t care what real jerks think about me) but that everyone else usually has a much higher opinion of me than I have of myself. So what was usually happening what this: I feel insecure and assume that everyone thinks I’m dumb, and then to protect myself from the rejection that I assume is coming, I decide that THEY are dumb and I’m MUCH smarter than them and I don’t care what they think. So it’s all a creation in my own head. Learning to accept myself more and getting more authentic self-esteem has helped turn that around. Now I can appreciate others more and when someone really IS a jerk, their rejection doesn’t hurt as badly as it once did. I can see it for what it is rather than devaluing everyone else to protect myself from ALL rejection.
Just my own experience with this phenomenon.